Philosophers on Love & Relationships

On love as divine madness:

"The greatest blessings come by way of madness, indeed of madness that is heaven-sent... And a third kind of possession and madness comes from the Muses. This takes hold upon a gentle and pure soul, arouses it and inspires it to songs and other poetry, and thus by adorning countless deeds of the ancients educates later generations. But he who without the divine madness comes to the doors of the Muses, confident that he will be a good poet by art, meets with no success, and the poetry of the sane man vanishes into nothingness before that of the inspired madmen."

On the three types of friendship:

"Now those who love each other for their utility do not love each other for themselves but in virtue of some good which they get from each other. So too with those who love for the sake of pleasure; it is not for their character that men love ready-witted people, but because they find them pleasant. Therefore those who love for the sake of utility love for the sake of what is good for themselves, and those who love for the sake of pleasure do so for the sake of what is pleasant to themselves, and not in so far as the other is the person loved but in so far as he is useful or pleasant."

On perfect friendship:

"Perfect friendship is the friendship of men who are good, and alike in virtue; for these wish well alike to each other qua good, and they are good in themselves. Now those who wish well to their friends for their sake are most truly friends; for they do this by reason of their own nature and not incidentally; therefore their friendship lasts as long as they are good—and goodness is an enduring thing."

On friendship and self-love:

"The friendly relations which we have with our neighbours and which serve to define the various kinds of friendship seem to be derived from our relations to ourselves... For a friend is another self, and therefore just as one's own existence is desirable for oneself, so too is the existence of one's friend."

On friendship:

"Of all the things which wisdom provides to make life entirely happy, much the greatest is the possession of friendship."

On the value of friendship:

"The same conviction which inspires confidence that nothing we have to fear is eternal or even of long duration, also enables us to see that in the limited evils of this life nothing enhances our security so much as friendship."

On romantic passion:

"Sexual intercourse has never done a man good and he's lucky if it has not harmed him."

Epicurus was skeptical of intense romantic passion, seeing it as potentially disruptive to tranquility (ataraxia), while valuing stable friendship highly.

On relationships and reciprocity:

"What you do not wish for yourself, do not do to others."

On friendship:

"There are three friendships which are advantageous, and three which are injurious. Friendship with the upright; friendship with the sincere; and friendship with the man of much observation: these are advantageous. Friendship with the man of specious airs; friendship with the insinuatingly soft; and friendship with the glib-tongued: these are injurious."

On filial relationships:

"When your parents are alive, comply with the rites in serving them; when they die, comply with the rites in burying them; comply with the rites in sacrificing to them."

Confucius emphasized proper relationships as the foundation of social harmony, with each relationship carrying specific duties and responsibilities.

On universal loving-kindness:

"Let one cultivate a boundless heart towards all beings. Let one's thoughts of boundless love pervade the whole world: above, below, and across without any obstruction, without any hatred, without any enmity."

On the practice of loving-kindness:

"Just as a mother would protect her only child at the risk of her own life, even so, let one cultivate a boundless heart towards all beings."

Buddhism emphasizes metta (loving-kindness) as an attitude to be cultivated toward all beings, while cautioning against attachment that leads to suffering.

On disordered love:

"But what was it that I loved in you? Not physical beauty, nor the splendor of time, nor the radiance of the light, so pleasant to our eyes, nor the sweet melodies of songs of all kinds, nor the fragrant smell of flowers, and ointments, and spices, nor manna and honey, nor limbs pleasant to the embraces of flesh. I loved none of these things when I loved my God. And yet I loved a certain kind of light, and sound, and fragrance, and food, and embrace in loving my God, who is the light, sound, fragrance, food, and embrace of my inner man—where that light shines into my soul which no place can contain, where that sound resounds which time cannot take away, where there is a fragrance which no breeze disperses, where there is a food which no eating can diminish, and where there is an embrace which no satiety can part. This is what I love, when I love my God."

On love's proper order:

"Two loves have built two cities: the earthly, which is built up by the love of self to the contempt of God, and the heavenly, which is built up by the love of God to the contempt of self."

On the nature of love:

"To love is to will the good of another."

On types of love:

"Love may be taken in three ways. In one way, as being the very essence of love itself, and thus love is always good. In another way, as denoting the act of love by which one thing is loved inordinately, and thus love is evil. In a third way, love is taken for the habit of loving, and thus love is sometimes good and sometimes evil."

On friendship with God:

"Charity is the friendship of man for God, founded upon the fellowship of everlasting happiness."

Aquinas integrated Aristotle's views on friendship with Christian theology, seeing the highest form of love as charity (caritas), which is friendship with God.

On the definition of love:

"Love is nothing else but pleasure accompanied by the idea of an external cause."

On active vs. passive love:

"He who loves God cannot endeavor that God should love him in return."

Spinoza distinguished between passive love (which creates dependency) and active love based on understanding. For him, the highest form of love was the "intellectual love of God" (amor dei intellectualis).

On love as a passion:

"Love is always followed by a desire of the happiness of the person beloved, and an aversion to his misery: As hatred produces a desire of the misery and an aversion to the happiness of the person hated."

On sympathy and love:

"No quality of human nature is more remarkable, both in itself and in its consequences, than that propensity we both in itself and in its consequences, than that propensity we have to sympathize with others, and to receive by communication their inclinations and sentiments, however different from, or even contrary to our own."

Hume emphasized the emotional basis of love, seeing it as a passion rather than a rational choice. He analyzed how sympathy allows us to share in others' feelings, forming the basis for love and moral sentiments.

On love as inclination vs. duty:

"Love as an inclination cannot be commanded, but beneficence for duty's sake may, even though we are not impelled to it by any inclination—in fact are even repelled by a natural and unconquerable aversion. This is practical love and not pathological—a love which is seated in the will, and not in the propensions of sense—in principles of action and not of tender sympathy; and it is this love alone which can be commanded."

On treating others as ends:

"Act in such a way that you treat humanity, whether in your own person or in the person of any other, never merely as a means to an end, but always at the same time as an end."

Kant distinguished between pathological love (based on inclination) and practical love (based on duty and respect). In relationships, he emphasized treating others as ends in themselves, never merely as means.

On romantic love as nature's trick:

"All love, however ethereally it may bear itself, is rooted in the sexual impulse alone, nay, it absolutely is only a more definitely determined, specialized, and indeed in the strictest sense individualized sexual impulse."

On love's biological purpose:

"The ultimate aim of all love affairs... is actually more important than all other aims in human life; and therefore it is quite worthy of the profound seriousness with which everyone pursues it. What is decided by it is nothing less than the composition of the next generation."

Schopenhauer took a pessimistic view of romantic love, seeing it as nature's trick to perpetuate the species. He argued that we are attracted to qualities that complement our own, serving the interests of future offspring rather than our happiness.

On Christian love:

"Christian love teaches love of all people, unconditionally all... To love one's neighbor means, while remaining within the earthly distinctions allotted to one, essentially to will to exist equally for unconditionally every human being."

On preferential vs. Christian love:

"Worldly wisdom thinks that love is a relationship between persons; Christianity teaches that love is a relationship between: a person-God-a person, that is, that God is the middle term."

On love as duty:

"Only when it is a duty to love, only then is love eternally secured against every change, eternally made free in blessed independence, eternally and happily secured against despair."

Kierkegaard explored different forms of love, distinguishing between aesthetic love (based on desire), ethical love (based on commitment), and religious love (based on faith). He emphasized that true love involves choice and commitment, not just feeling.

On friendship:

"In a friend one should have one's best enemy. You should be closest to him with your heart when you resist him."

On love and self-overcoming:

"One should hold fast one's heart; for when one lets it go, how quickly one then loses one's head too! Alas! where in the world has there been more folly than among the pitiful? And what in the world has caused more suffering than the folly of the pitiful? Woe to all loving ones who do not have an elevation which is above their pity!"

Nietzsche criticized Christian "neighbor love" as potentially life-denying. He valued passionate love that affirms life but was skeptical of romantic idealization. For Nietzsche, the highest form of love might be "friendship" between equals who challenge each other to grow.

On gendered experiences of love:

"The word 'love' has by no means the same sense for both sexes, and this is one cause of the serious misunderstandings that divide them."

On authentic relationships:

"The couple should not be regarded as a unit, a closed cell, but rather as an association of two independent individuals... The relationship should be founded on the mutual recognition of two liberties; each would acknowledge both itself and the other as subject and as object."

De Beauvoir analyzed how gender shapes experiences of love. She criticized the way women are often encouraged to make love their whole existence, while men pursue it alongside other projects. She advocated for authentic relationships based on mutual recognition of each other's freedom and subjectivity.

On the conflict in love:

"The lover wants to be loved by a freedom but demands that this freedom as freedom should no longer be free. He wants to be loved by a freedom but wants this freedom to be captured by itself, to turn back upon itself, as in madness, as in a dream, so as to will its own captivity."

On the paradox of love:

"In love, the lover wants to be 'the whole World' for the beloved... But on the other hand he wants this object to be a freedom precisely in order that it may choose him as beloved."

Sartre presented a complex view of love as inherently conflictual. For him, love involves wanting to possess the other's freedom while still wanting them to be free—an impossible contradiction that leads to a cycle where lovers oscillate between trying to capture the other's freedom and becoming an object for the other.

On love as recognition of value:

"Love involves a radical decentering of the self, a recognition of the independent value of the beloved's existence and needs."

On love's vulnerability:

"To love another person is to make oneself hostage to fortune, agreeing to be vulnerable to losses that one cannot control."

Nussbaum develops a neo-Stoic account of emotions, including love, as evaluative judgments about what matters. For her, love involves recognizing the beloved's value and vulnerability. She argues that love makes us vulnerable but is essential to human flourishing.

On defining love:

"The word 'love' is most often defined as a noun, yet... we would all love better if we used it as a verb... I define love as the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth."

On love as practice:

"Love is an action, a participatory emotion. Whether we are engaged in a process of self-love or of loving others we must move beyond the realm of feeling to actualize love. This is why it is useful to see love as a practice."

hooks defines love as "the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth." She emphasizes love as a practice and ethic rather than merely an emotion, and explores how social forces like patriarchy, racism, and capitalism shape our capacity to love.

On love as shared identity:

"Love is not a feeling but a complex configuration of emotions, desires, and thoughts that constitute a way of being in the world, a way of valuing and a process of sharing an identity."

On love as a process:

"Love is a process, not a state. It is a way of relating to the world, not a state of being or a state of mind or, for that matter, a state of feeling."

Solomon argues that love is not primarily a feeling but a complex process of shared identity. He sees love as a dynamic "we-creating" process where lovers develop a shared narrative and identity, emphasizing the active, creative aspects of love relationships.